Working with Beliefs in States of Anxiety – Self-Regulation Anxiety often arises from inner tension - especially when our core beliefs are in conflict. This means that anxiety can develop when the beliefs you hold deep inside yourself are contradicting or pulling you in different directions. For example: One part of you believes: “I should always be strong and independent.” Another part feels: “I really need help and support right now.” That internal conflict between what you believe you should be and what you actually feel creates inner tension. These beliefs, whether empowering or limiting, shape how we see ourselves, others, and the world. They influence our emotional state, our behavior, and how we relate to those around us. In many cases, anxiety emerges when these internal beliefs clash or go unexamined. Social beliefs, such as cultural norms, family traditions, parental values, and societal expectations, often become internalized, subtly influencing our decisions and shaping our view of what is “right” or “acceptable.” These inherited beliefs may reflect deeply rooted ideas passed on to us, sometimes without our awareness. To gain clarity and freedom, it’s important to separate your authentic beliefs from those you may have adopted through pressure, trauma, or habit. The goal is not to reject every external influence, but to identify beliefs that no longer serve you, especially those that were never truly yours to begin with. These inherited or imposed beliefs may have once acted as protection, shielding you from pain, responsibility, or rejection but over time, they can limit your growth, diminish your self-worth, blunt your intuition, and make it harder to live fully and freely. By examining and reframing them, you open the door to a more authentic, fulfilling life. A Self-Inquiry Practice for Clarifying Beliefs Use these reflective questions to explore unconscious patterns and realign with your inner truth: What do you long for but feel you can’t allow yourself to pursue? What emotions do you often suppress or struggle to express? What specific desires do you hold back from acting on? Why do you stop yourself, what holds you back? Who first told you this wasn’t allowed? How was that message delivered (words, tone, situation)? What did you think and feel at the time? How did you respond to this “rule” or restriction? What is your current internal experience around this unexpressed desire? Thoughts (e.g., self-doubt, fear, judgment) Emotions (e.g., guilt, shame, sadness) Body sensations (e.g., tension, tightness, fatigue) Whose voice are you really hearing - yours or someone else’s (e.g., a parent, teacher, or authority figure)? Now, imagine the desired emotional state or behavior. What thoughts, feelings, and sensations arise? How do these differ from the old, inherited beliefs? Moving Toward Your Authentic Self To begin making space for more freedom and self-alignment, consider: What small step can you take today to honor a hidden desire? What daily habit or action can you shift, even slightly? What emotion are you ready to express more freely? What can you now permit yourself to feel, do, or say? What behavior might reflect the real you? How can you begin to replace limiting beliefs with your own truths? This reflective process can help you uncover the roots of anxiety, understand your internal belief system, and begin to replace outdated messages with beliefs that reflect your current values and truth. Over time, this practice fosters emotional clarity, self-trust, and a greater sense of peace.
How to Tame Your Inner Critic and Be Kinder to Yourself? The inner critic is that voice inside us that devalues, blames, and questions our actions - and even our entire self. It might sound like: “You messed it up again,” “You’re not good enough,” or “What’s wrong with you?” This voice often takes shape in childhood, influenced by our environment, parental expectations, or a culture of perfectionism. But it’s important to remember: this voice is not the truth, and we can learn to respond to it differently. Here are some steps to consider to tame your inner critic and be kinder to yourself: 1. Notice When the Critic Shows Up The first step is awareness. Start noticing the moments when you're being harsh with yourself. What happened just before these thoughts? What emotions are you feeling? The inner critic often shows up when we’re feeling vulnerable, ashamed, anxious, or insecure. Example: “I didn’t turn the project in on time” → “You’re lazy and irresponsible.” 2. Give Your Critic a Name or Image Imagine your inner critic as a separate character. It could be a strict teacher, a parent, or another voice from the past. Give it a name. This helps create distance between you and the critical voice. Example: “Ah, here’s Ms. Smith again - my schoolteacher who thought nothing was ever good enough.” 3. Ask What the Critic Is Trying to Do Your inner critic is often trying to protect you from pain, failure, or rejection but doing it clumsily. Instead of getting angry at it, try asking: What are you trying to protect me from? What are you worried about? Could you say this in a gentler way? 4. Replace Criticism with Compassion Often, intense self-criticism is tied to old emotional wounds that need compassionate and attention. Try to rephrase your thoughts the way you would talk to a close friend. You wouldn’t tell your friend, “You’re a complete failure.” You’d probably say something like, “You’re going through a tough time, but I believe in you.” Instead of: “I’m a terrible parent” Try: “This is hard because I care so much about being a good parent. I’m doing my best - and that matters.” 5. Use Soothing Physical Gestures Touch can help calm the nervous system and activate the self-soothing response. Try: Hugging yourself Placing a hand on your chest Gently touching your face or arms with care and intention 6. Talk to Your Younger Self Imagine your younger self - a child or teenager standing in front of you. Tell them what they needed to hear: “You’re okay,” “You matter just as you are,” “I’m here with you.” 7. Develop an Inner Supporter Create another voice inside, one that is warm, caring, and supportive. Let this voice grow strong enough to balance the critic. At first it might sound faint, but with practice, it gets louder and steadier. Being kind to yourself doesn't mean making excuses or avoiding responsibility. It means living with greater honesty, resilience, and self-respect.
Male Anxiety in Relationships... There’s a paradox: a man may appear calm, composed, and “in control,” but inside, he may be in a state of panic. He laughs at jokes and takes care of daily tasks. On the outside - solid as ever. But at night, when everything quiets down, a thought whispers: “What if I’m not enough?” “What if she sees the real me?” Men’s anxiety in relationships is a hidden layer we rarely talk about. It’s often masked with sarcasm, work, humour, intense workouts, or silence. And yes, a man can deeply love his partner, dream of a life together, even raise children and still be tormented by the fear of rejection, of being misunderstood, or of not measuring up. Sometimes this anxiety is buried so deep he doesn’t even realize it. He just becomes more irritable, more distant, and avoids the conversations that once brought him joy. But these are all masks worn by anxiety. From childhood, many boys are taught: “Real men aren’t afraid,” “Don’t show weakness,” “Handle everything on your own.” So when real, raw, and complex emotions arise in a relationship, many men simply don’t know what to do with them. They were never taught to name their fears, express their doubts, or ask for support. The countless unsettling thoughts aren’t the voice of logic, they’re the voice of the inner critic, shaped in the shadows of cultural expectations and childhood experiences. How Does This Anxiety Show Up? Sometimes, in a need to control everything. Other times, it takes the opposite form - emotional withdrawal, driven by a fear of becoming “too dependent,” because connection feels like vulnerability. Sometimes, anxiety shows up as anger. But once anxiety is acknowledged, it’s no longer the enemy - it becomes a signal. If a man can recognize, “I’m angry because I’m afraid of being rejected,” that’s not weakness. That’s strength. Because that recognition marks the beginning of an honest conversation. It helps break automatic patterns - withdrawal, attack, or shutdown, and creates space for conscious action: speaking, listening, asking, sharing. Even a short phrase like “I feel uneasy because I’m afraid of losing you” can shift the entire dynamic of a conflict. What Helps? 1. A Safe Space. A place where a man can speak honestly, without being mocked, minimized, or shamed. A space where he’s not “soft” for having feelings, but real for owning them. 2. Challenging Old Beliefs. If a man believes that “real men don’t feel fear,” then any sign of anxiety will be wrapped in shame. Every anxious thought will feel like a personal failure. And unprocessed shame often leaks out in toxic forms - passive aggression, emotional numbness, or constant tension that damages both the relationship and his own well-being. But when that belief is challenged, he can begin to see anxiety not as weakness but as a sign of what truly matters. 3. Simple Tools for Self-Regulation. Breathing exercises. Taking breaks. Even a quick note in a journal. These might sound “unmanly,” but they do something vital - they give him back a sense of control. Not over others, but over himself. He’s Not Toxic. He’s Human. It’s important to understand: an anxious man in a relationship is not a toxic man. He can be loving, caring, deeply committed and still vulnerable. That doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with him. It means he’s human. Real. With real feelings. He’s just used to hiding them. And now, he’s learning to show them. In fact, when he learns to face his fear instead of hide it, when he opens up instead of shutting down - that’s when real connection begins. Because real intimacy doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from truth. From being seen completely. From having the courage to say: “This is me. I’m scared, unsure, and still showing up.” Step by step, through fear and uncertainty, he can move toward a relationship where he doesn’t need to hide. Where he can be himself and be accepted.
How Couples Therapy Work? Couples (marital or partner) therapy is proven to be more effective for restoring and clarifying relationships than individual therapy. Unlike individual therapy, which focuses on a client’s personal experience (though it is still considered), couples therapy centres on the interaction between partners. While individual therapy explores a client’s inner world, couples therapy explores the space between the partners. Together, the couple and the therapist look for answers to questions like: •What is happening between us? •Why did this happen in our relationship? •How can we restore our connection? Importantly, couples therapy does not aim to assign blame or find a "scapegoat," as often happens in marital conflicts. Instead, therapy helps partners break the vicious cycle or emotional whirlpool the partners have fallen into. Most couples can recall a time when they were happy, when love and connection were strong. These memories often keep them together - even when things get difficult. Initially, the idea of letting go of the need to find a "guilty party" may feel unfamiliar, but is major turning point in therapy. That’s when the partner stops being seen as an enemy and is rediscovered as beloved, familiar, and trusted person they once were. After all, living with an enemy turns daily life into a war - a war against one’s own family. What actually happens in couples therapy? In couples therapy, the space for guesswork and assumptions significantly reduces. Partners have a chance to stop imagining what the other is thinking or feeling, and instead turn to each other, ask questions, and see each other’s reactions. Sometimes what one partner believes about the other’s thoughts, feelings or motivations is completely different from reality. Therapy helps partners explore these differences and fosters mutual understanding. The role of the therapist. At the same time, couples therapy places unique demands on the therapist. It requires strong qualifications and the ability to work effectively with two clients in conflict at once. A skilled couple’s therapist will: •Create a safe and neutral space for both partners •View the couple as a single unit, in which both people are equally important, equally hurt, and equally motivated to repair the relationship •Support the couple in rebuilding trust, emotional safety, and a sense of wholeness Because after all, no one is closer, more familiar, or more important than each other, than the two people sitting in the room, trying to reconnect.