COUPLES THERAPY

What is couples therapy?

Couples therapy, also known as relationship counselling, offers support when your relationship is facing challenges, such as after a breach of trust, like an affair, or during ongoing conflict or emotional disconnection.

Both partners talk in confidence to a therapist to explore what has gone wrong in the relationship and how to change things for the better. It can help couples learn more about each other’s needs and communicate better.

When individual therapy feels overwhelming, people often feel more comfortable engaging in couples therapy when their partner is present.

Concerns that can be explored in therapy

Couples therapy can help with low mood, worry, loneliness, and parenting issues. Many couples find difficulties start after a painful event or repeated disputes, or following a significant life change such as:

moving in together or getting married
arrival of children
money worries and disagreements
infidelity
moving to a new city or country
relationships with extended family
addiction
differing life goals

When to start therapy?

If you’re wondering when to start couples therapy, the answer is simple: if it’s on your mind, it’s a good time to begin.

The sooner you take that step, the sooner you can start healing together and bring more happiness back into your relationship. Addressing problems early can simplify the process and help avoid greater heartache later.

Problems tied to the relationship

Relationship therapy helps partners identify and understand how current issues are connected, rather than treating them separately. For example, when one partner feels emotionally distant, it might seem like a communication problem on the surface.

However, therapy can reveal that the distance often comes from unresolved past hurts, such as feeling unsupported during a stressful life event or a buildup of unacknowledged feelings.

Similarly, couples who come to therapy arguing over money may be surprised to find that improving communication about finances also deepens their understanding of each other and strengthens intimacy.

How many sessions are typically needed in couples counseling?

Every couple is different, so the length of therapy varies. The early sessions are especially valuable -they give you a chance to hear your partner’s perspective and express your own feelings, which can be both eye-opening and relieving.

Some couples feel better after just a few sessions and feel they’ve made enough progress to move forward. Others find the ongoing support so helpful that they continue for months.

For couples questioning whether to stay or part

Many couples come to therapy unsure whether to stay together or separate. Sometimes one partner wants to end the relationship while the other hopes to continue. Therapy provides a safe space to explore these feelings and work toward a shared decision.

Other times, couples aren’t sure if their relationship can be improved but want to give it one last chance. Therapy helps them do this with clarity and intention. If they ultimately decide to part ways, they can do so knowing they’ve given their best effort.

Regardless of the outcome, couples often leave therapy with valuable tools - greater self-awareness, improved relationship skills, and a better ability to resolve conflicts and deepen intimacy in current or future relationships.

Mechanisms of Change: The Link Between Acceptance and Change

Couples often struggle not just because they’re different, but because of how they respond to those differences. It is common to distinguish between primary (natural differences like personality or values) and secondary distress (the emotional pain caused by how these differences are handled in conflict). While most couples can’t fully eliminate their differences, therapy helps them manage how they talk about and react to those differences.

For example, one partner may want to talk about feelings, while the other avoids emotional conversations. This mismatch can lead to frustration, arguments, and hurt feelings. Over time, small conflicts turn into repeated negative patterns - criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, and emotional disconnection. When this cycle becomes regular, it creates emotional distance and misunderstanding.

Therapy focus on three main goals:

Solving specific problems caused by differences.
Interrupting negative patterns of communication.
Exploring and healing deeper emotional pain (vulnerability) that often fuels overreactions.

These emotional vulnerabilities often come from past experiences, like childhood trauma or attachment wounds. For instance, someone raised in poverty may feel anxious about money, while their partner may feel controlled when asked to save. These hidden fears can turn simple disagreements into emotional battles.

Therapy helps in two key ways:

Creating safety and understanding (acceptance) so partners can listen without reacting defensively.
Fostering real emotional change by helping partners explore and express their fears and needs.

Some forms of therapy focus on surface changes, like behavior tracking or making agreements but these often fail if emotional reactions remain strong. Deeper change happens when partners understand and respond to each other’s differences in new, supportive ways. These moments of emotional connection create lasting change by reshaping how each partner sees themselves and their relationship.

Change in relationships doesn’t start with fixing the other person, it starts with understanding, acceptance, and emotional connection. From there, lasting change becomes possible.